The beginning stages of dating are hard and can be drawn out for what seems like far too long. For me, it can be exhausting to have the same conversations with people, just to be like ‘yeah, you’re not exactly the one for me’. I wanted to share a game that helped me connect with people when I was in the new stages of dating.
Thank you to my ex Tinder-boyfriend for introducing me to this question game. It is the only cool take-away from our three-week relationship. Thank u, next.
The questions in the game were developed by psychologist, Arthur Aron and a team of others to see if intimacy can happen rapidly between two strangers. The game is a list of 36 questions that start out pretty simple. They make you think, but aren’t too hard to answer. As the questions progress, so does the level of vulnerability in them.
The idea is to be able to maintain eye contact while answering the questions. I struggled hard with this. I have a tendency to break eye contact, laugh, and distract from the un-comfortability of intimacy. However, I’m working on staying engaged and confident with eye contact.
I was able to use the question game to connect or disconnect with people I have met in the dating scene. I found that playing the game with others easily showed me if they were willing to open up. Interestingly enough, I found that if someone didn’t want to continue answering the questions, it was almost directly correlated with the fact that they weren’t interested in further developing a relationship. LIGHTBULB. No more questions, please = not interested in dating.
I think a huge problem in our society is that we are no longer taking the time to communicate, learn, and grow with each other. Instead, it’s a quick hookup or a short-lasting, non-committal hang out. If you are interested in more than just a casual relationship with someone, then you can use this game as a tool.
You will be able to to see if that person is willing to let you dig a little past their surface. My good friend once said dating is like peeling back the layers of an onion. If you’re looking for a good knife to use for peeling back those layers, then use this game to your advantage.
My current boyfriend said the question game was something that helped him decide whether or not he could trust me. It was so unique for him to find a woman that was willing to connect on a deeper level. For me, at 28, I don’t have anymore time to waste with someone. These questions were a sure-fire way for me to find out what someone else was about.
Since, I am all about authentic and genuine relationships these days, I thought I would share the game that was a catalyst for the great relationship I have now. I hope, like us, you can build a foundation that all started with 36 questions.
1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
16. What do you value most in a friendship?
17. What is your most treasured memory?
18. What is your most terrible memory?
19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
20. What does friendship mean to you?
21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling … “
26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share … “
27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.